Misunderstanding
Misunderstandings can get out of hand in a hurry and cause significant damage in relationships. I remember years and years ago, my mom wanted to come visit us and my sister drove her to see us. We went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant and my sister was relating her plans to build a house in my mom’s cornfield next to her house.
I need to stop here and share some related details. My mom was always very careful to treat my sister and I completely equitably. So, before she told my sister that she could build a house in her field, she got an appraisal for the value of the land and had made arrangements to give me exactly that amount of money. In retrospect, I believe I would have been okay even if she hadn’t done that. Not only that but not too many years after that, my mom became oxygen dependent and needed the additional help from my sister (who, as her neighbor), was able to provide. For that I am extremely grateful to God for his providence and my sister for her willingness to help.
Anyway, we were eating and our son asked why my sister was building in the field next to my mom (his grandma). I replied that it was a cheaper way for my sister to build a house. From my perspective, I was not implying anything other than it was a financial benefit when pursuing a large expenditure to be given the lot on which the house was to be built. My sister interpreted my comment to mean that she and her husband were unfairly taking advantage of my mom’s generous nature. This caused a huge rift between us. Both of us thought we were morally right and that the other one was wrong.
My mom worked hard to get us to forgive each other and we did, but our relationship has never fully recovered. It’s not that we are holding a grudge or anything like that and whenever we get together we have pleasant conversation but our lives moved away from each other. If that wasn’t bad enough, our children saw what happened and made their own moral judgement of who was right and who was wrong and it impacted their relationship. For example, I begged our son to invite his aunt to his college graduation and he refused due to his recollection of how she treated me. So sad.
“And when they came to the region of the Jordan that is in the land of Canaan, the people of Reuben and the people of Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh built there an altar by the Jordan, an altar of imposing size. And the people of Israel heard it said, “Behold, the people of Reuben and the people of Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh have built the altar at the frontier of the land of Canaan, in the region about the Jordan, on the side that belongs to the people of Israel.” And when the people of Israel heard of it, the whole assembly of the people of Israel gathered at Shiloh to make war against them. “Thus says the whole congregation of the Lord, ‘What is this breach of faith that you have committed against the God of Israel in turning away this day from following the Lord by building yourselves an altar this day in rebellion against the Lord? Have we not had enough of the sin at Peor from which even yet we have not cleansed ourselves, and for which there came a plague upon the congregation of the Lord, Then the people of Reuben, the people of Gad, and the half-tribe of Manasseh said in answer to the heads of the families of Israel, “The Mighty One, God, the Lord! The Mighty One, God, the Lord! He knows; and let Israel itself know! If it was in rebellion or in breach of faith against the Lord, do not spare us today No, but we did it from fear that in time to come your children might say to our children, ‘What have you to do with the Lord, the God of Israel? For the Lord has made the Jordan a boundary between us and you, you people of Reuben and people of Gad. You have no portion in the Lord.’ So your children might make our children cease to worship the Lord. Therefore we said, ‘Let us now build an altar, not for burnt offering, nor for sacrifice, but to be a witness between us and you, and between our generations after us, that we do perform the service of the Lord in his presence with our burnt offerings and sacrifices and peace offerings, so your children will not say to our children in time to come, “You have no portion in the Lord.”’ The people of Reuben and the people of Gad called the altar Witness, “For,” they said, “it is a witness between us that the Lord is God.’”- Joshua 22:10-12, 16-17, 21-22, 24-27, 34 ESV
The lesson from both my own sad tale and Joshua, is to be on the guard for misunderstandings and try to rectify them as soon as you can when you find them. Some situations such as in Joshua are redeemable and may even serve to strengthen the relationship.
