Matriarchs

In my family, my maternal grandmother was the matriarch of the extended family. As a child, all my family lived within 50 miles of each other. That provided the opportunity for us all to get together for at least Thanksgiving and Christmas.

As a young child during Thanksgiving, we would all meet at my Great Aunt’s house by 11am, eat at Noon and start departing by 2pm. A similar process happened at Christmas but at my Grandparent’s house and we would have a half hour or so gift exchange after the meal. This was all I knew about family holiday meals and thought everyone operated that way (boy, was I wrong but more on this later).

By the time I became an adult, and got married, we found ourselves having to make compromises on what each had gotten accustomed to (and their families expectation of that allocation of time). My wife’s family believed that the family should arrive at her mother’s house (the matriarch of her family) early in the morning, eat mid-afternoon and hang around until at least dark. To add stress, my wife’s mother expected us to join them when my family’s turn came up. Within a few years of getting married, we had our son which added more pressure to attend each side’s festivities.

Then we did it. I took a job (in agreement with my spouse) several states away. I was the first grandchild on my side that had moved further than an hour away from the rest of the family. This added even more stress as we were spending all our vacation time visiting family and there was various levels of stress on our allocation of time. And, as time went by, my family seemed to pass away faster than my spouse’s side. Other “kids” from my generation moved away. It’s probably been more than 15 years since my side of the family has had a gathering outside of weddings and funerals.

My wife’s side has fared a little better in that my wife’s mother, the matriarch, is still around but they need significant help to have a family dinner. In fact, last year I cooked the Thanksgiving meal at their house and we had a big gathering.

Now, our son is married with his own child and they are dealing with the pressure (external and internal) to share their time between their two sides. They are being much more proactive by reserving some holidays to themselves allowing visits but not stressing themselves by always traveling (like we did).

“Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” - Colossians 3:18-21 ESV

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.” - Colossians 3:12-15 ESV

“So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” - Philippians 2:1-4 ESV